I had a fantastic, very vivid dream last night. In it, I saw our baby who was a chubby, perfect little girl with bright red hair! She was strapped to Sarah's chest in a snuggli carrier and Sarahbean was trying to maneuver into a bath. Just as the baby girls tiny dangling feet reached the bathwater, I woke up.

I know the baby will have red hair... I have no doubt about that. And everyone feels like this will be a girl. (which I'm surprisingly ok with now)

The part of the dream that I don't understand is the bath.... It has to mean something. I mean, we're not going to have a water birth or anything like that. (WHOLE different post there!) Sarahbean bathes 3 or 4 babies a night at work, and I doubt she'll want to share her special alone bath time with a newborn!

I feel that dreams are really important and that every dream means something. I have NEVER dreamt in colour before.. But I totally saw red red hair on the top of my kids head! Very odd.


Hmm. Something to think about for the rest of the day..
Oh yeah. The baby looked just like this picture of Sarah, only a lot younger:

I feel completely overwhelmed by my new IUI puregon protocol. It is so competely different from the IUIs we've been doing up until now.. I'm lucky that Sarahbean understands when and what to do- they gave us some damn confusing directions!

So I've got a prescription that reads like this:

1. Suprefact Acetate 5.5 ml vial
As directed
2. 30 unit ultra fine insulin syringes
3. Puregon Cartridge 300, 600, 900 unit
As directed
4. Puregon pen needles
5. HCG-PPC 10,000 iu as directed
Repeats as needed

I need to take puregon for 8-13 days, and I'm only supposed to do 75 iu a day. There's a huge difference in taking it for 8 days vs. 13 days! How long does this medicine last in case I buy too much? I'm guessing I'll need to buy 900 units?

- JoulyBean

Today we had our injection meeting. Fun stuff. We learned how to "pinch an inch" in the belly and stick the needle in "like a dart". Our nurse has a fun way of explaining things! Dr.K gave us the lecture about multiples again and I'm pretty sure he forgot that I'm pregnant. Then he needed to measure her uterine height for IVF purposes (which we're not doing now anyways), so Joul got an unexpected exam with a pair of long scary scissory things! Ouch! FYI, it was 7cm which is apparently perfect. She will be on Suprefact for 4 days at the beginning and then a Puregon pen for 8-12 days after that. When they tell us to, we'll do an HCG trigger shot. This is all totally new to us as we have only done unmedicated IUIs. At least we just have to draw the meds up, no mixing required. Easy enough. Now we're just waiting for CD 1 to start the injections or birth control pills, depending when it is. Then, of course, Joul's gotta take a pregnancy test before we start because she could have somehow gotten pregnant by rubbing up against my preggo belly or simply by wishing hard enough! LOL!

Everything is good with BabyBean. We have another prenatal appointment next week to hear the heartbeat. We've already heard it at home, but Dr.M doesn't know we have our own doppler because we don't want him to think we're baby-obsessed nutters. We heard the heartbeat really loud and clear on Mother's Day. It was so awesome.

My parents are being stupid again. My brother is mouthing off and they're not saying anything to stick up for us. If they ignore the problem it's not really there. So we're not talking to them at all right now. And we've been so much happier not talking to them! They ruined our first Mother's Day so we're going to have a do-over by ourselves on Father's Day!

Just a quick post.
A HUGE thank-you to everyone who gave me all sorts of support when I was feeling down. It's awesome to know that you all "get" what I was feeling!

Just to clarify about not being the stay at home mom- Sarahbean has been thinking about maternity leave a lot .. She's recently decided that she wants to take a full year leave. Which would be great except that I was planning on staying home with the babies while she returned to work. Financially, it's freaking me out. But I know that she needs time with the baby and I really shouldn't take that away from her. We're going to find a way to work it out.

I got attacked by a large dog on Saturday night. I had to get 11 stitches and a tetanus shot. I spent 3 hours in the ER. Luckily rabies was ruled out. ( I was SO not going to let that interfere with this month's Hyperstim IUI cycle!)

I am SO GRATEFUL that my dad was there to tackle the dog... I am 100% sure he would have killed me if my dad wasn't there to jam his fist in the dogs mouth. After I crawled away I started shaking and began to pass out.. I bled a lot. I feel guilty because I made the dog feel trapped and brushed up against his back....... He will or has been put down. That's so freaking sad.
-Joul

Well, I'm almost 12 weeks and the vomitting has gone away. I still find myself feeling sick when I'm cooking and at random times throughout the day. That too shall pass. Thanks to everyone for the anti-nausea well-wishes.

I'm actually starting to look a little pregnant in my maternity shirts, but most of the time it's hit or miss. I think most of the time people can't decide if I'm pregnant or just fat. It seems sacreligious to want a big belly right now, as I will probably be wishing I didn't have a big belly in a few months, but I still want a recognizable belly now. I guess I kinda feel like Joulybean because people don't automatically look at me and think "that's a mom" either unless they know me and know that I'm pregnant.

It's been a little rough around here lately as Joulybean feels left out of the whole baby thing. People at work are congratulating me and her, but I think she's starving to hear it herself. She only hears it secondhand through me. I'm hoping things will get better soon because we should be starting the injectables later this month and *fingers crossed* she will get pregnant first try. Then we'll both get alot of attention as we are crazy girls who are both pregnant!

I've been doing a lot of thinking. Here are a few of the things that've been on my mind:

Jealousy- Of Sarahbean's changing body and the way people react towards her. People know she's going to be a mom. They either guess or assume that I am not. I know this is going to become more common as she gets bigger and bigger. Example: A couple of days ago, an acquaintance asked if I was going to adopt her baby. She didn't recognize that she was carrying my child! S/he has and always will be my child! And I don't need to adopt our kid because I will be listed on the birth certificate. Yay Canada!

Anger- I'm angry that Sarahbean's brother isn't happy about being an uncle. I'm angry that I can't kick his ass for being a jerk like I want to. I'm pissed that Sarah's parents continue to let him behave like a 5 year old.

Regret- I regret not demanding injectables earlier. All those wasted vials- And all that wasted time. I regret telling Sarahbean that I was kinda pissed that she got pregnant. My infertility is hers too.

Uneasy- I don't want to make Sarahbean feel bad for conceiving. We knew it might work! I think she deserves to know how I'm feeling but I don't want to stress her out!

Sadness-I'm sad that I'm infertile, and that my plan to be a stay at home mom might need to change. I'm sad that I won't have a genetic link to this baby, and maybe the other three we hope to have in the future.

Uuuuuugghhhh! I've been so sick lately. I threw up twice last night at work and people kept asking me if I was okay and offering me cold cloths because I was so pale. I'm happy to know that Pancake actually looks like a little person now instead of a sea creature! We meet with the OB covering for ours next week. Fun times. I know the guy we're seeing this week from work. He's a quirky guy with a Scottish accent and he's about 80 years old. I don't know our actual OB yet but I know he's good. I'm so excited. We should get to hear the heartbeat this time. And get some drugs to make me stop puking!